The Gift of Surrender..When my Sister Vicky Died

Lesson learned  The Gift of Surrender

it is the hardest most painful experience one can imagine
when you have been blessed with a large family like ours
we get to see ourselves in each other

we were blessed.. there are so many who have siblings and often find themselves trying to learn each other as unique and very different individuals

i have always had siblings that i looked up to for my soon to be 65 years because of being the last of this family of 10 or 11.. because my youngest brother died at 5

losing our oldest sister is like losing part of the air I breathe since day one

i grew up with my nephew Curtis Martinez and nieces as if they were the extended siblings all my life

all my life memories are shaped by what this family of characters, that can often get on each others nerves, that can be ever so theatrical, that are very different in each of our personalities, that share a devotion and reverence for each other, in spite of our ups and downs and even our quarrels.  

Daddy was that happy provider and gave us all an anchor of love, joy, jubilation, laughter, music, dance, theatre, and proud legacy of protection to and for each other.

Mammy was the fierce, stern, strict and the most courageous family cornerstone, moral compass, rule of law, and showed us that nothing or no one could or would try to come between her love and her children.  She was that... she did not allow anyone the right to disrespect her children.  

And after Daddy died, she was that fortress that each one of us had to come home to, to know that her love was her lifetime sacrifice for us.

To say the least, when Vicky was diagnosed with final stage terminal pancreatic cancer less than 2 months ago, none of us was ready.    I was in denial.   My friend Chantal had just died.  This is not happening.  This couldnt be.  Not to Vicky.  

Vicky was to me that good girl all her life.  She just wasnt wayward like me  or the rest of us.  She was to us this paragon on virtue.  She was always demure.  As a matter of fact,  she had only lately started to wear red  and loved it  even though, she would see me in all my flamboyance, and remark under her breadth,  how coskell i could be.  But somewhere along the way, she got used to it, and would actually, enjoy it 

She loved her, some Sonny.  Her dearly departed husband.  Both she and Sonny were my godparents.  And she so loved her children Curt, his wife Dianne, Lisa Gylla,  and her grans and her great grans with a knowing that was so intimate.  She knew each one to her soul.

More than most she loved to pray. We grew up in tradition and faith. She was so devout in her faith journey.  

I knew she prayed unceasingly for me,  and each of my loved ones, just like she did for her children, her grandchildren and great grans.  

Without overt demonstration, she was there to take care of us,  of me.  With a call ever so often,  Grace how are you,  how is Daryean,  how is,  and she'll list all the names of our brood.  and say I'm praying for each of you in my thoughts.

And that is how I just know... love is prayer.. someone holding you up, wishing only for your wellbeing,  sharing kindness, blessings and always present.. just a prayer away , and  a visit.

And in her own intimate and unobtrusive way,  she gifted me the meaning of Surrender.

It was not about how,  whether I was a religious, or not, whether I chose to or not to practice tradition, whether i might not or choose to attend Church.   In her own simplistic way,   she was a source of peace, comfort, respite, hospitality, feeding the hungry, teaching, sharing, caring, and giving to each and everyone she loved and met along the way.

In the end, her wishes were to make things as simple as possible. 

Nothing grand.  Nothing too obvious.  Her privacy was particularly important to her, because she did not want to be a worry to others.

And what a gift to me, and to all of us, is How to Surrender.

None of our presumed fixations with what is conceived, perceived or believed,  just Let go and Let God.

One of the last songs she enjoyed was one our Mother Rosie would sing at our family gatherings.  I so dedicate to our Queen,  Vicky,  Victoria Clare ... Love Continues

Ill be loving you Always
With a love that true Always
When the things you plan 
Need a helping hand
I will understand Always, Always
And when things arent clear Always
That's when Ill be there Always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year
But AlwaysNot for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year
But Always

Abundance manifests

All of beauty in its natural splendor and bounteous harvest is fervent with abundance.
Not to keep, but share. In.generosity. Always. ...Grace

The very concept of abundance is a shift to a new thought paradigm. The mindset to attract abundance , after the experience of the absence of the respect for what it means to have abundance, is metamorphosis. A shift is occurring. An awareness is birthing. It is the awakening and the welcoming of the invisible unknown to become manifest with potent and vivid deliverance. As with the birthing of a desired expectancy it comes after labored and prolonged perplexities.

Abundance manifests.

With mindful thought and action, and in rythymn with the universe, the intention of the mind, heart, soul and spirit finds the path that leads to alignment with the gift, Abundance. My history as scrolled in the pages of my thoughts is scoured in perception of unmet expectations. The reality is, I have been in receipt of constant abundance amidst the prevailing distractions.

In childhood, I lost my father at age 9 and automatically developed the symptomatic orphan mentality. My sense of dreams, aspirations, ambitions were foiled in the actuality of poverty circumstance against the backdrop of limitation and disempowerment. The illusion of limitation seeped into my psyche and I was not aware.

Whitney Houston rendered these lyrics, "I didn't know my own strength "and from her voice to my heart, I sucked in the meaning of each word as it filtered through each pore of my being and my soul responded. As the process of catharsis unfolds, the discovery of innermost radiance and abundance ensues.

From birth to now, I have been always shrouded in the legacy of abundance.  Being  cared for, nurtured and richly nourished by a powerfully prescient mother figure, along with siblings who empowered and engendered stability, perseverance, endurance, fortitude, dignity, nobility, and ostensibly abundant grace were not occasional sharings of generosity but perpetual gifts of overflowing deliverance.

As a developing teen, my perception of self was fraught with inner turmoil and discomfort. Not uncommon to adolescent dispositions, the need to be likeable is the disease of youthful arrogance and insecurity. Unless, you discover your niche, it is a constant interplay of desire vs need. For some the desired self idealization is entertained in the glorification of  sportsmanship, beauty,  talents, wealth, and scholarship. For me, the subtlety of the desired was to embrace a need for belonging. The gravity of the emotional loss of a devoted and adoring parent left a dulling void. So in order to compensate and find comfort, it was folly appeal to be self effacing and self diminishing. Numbed were the gifts of self mastery and self abundance. Serial exploits in limitation become the norm.

At pivotal markers of adult years, the fleeting grasp of abundance was courted with momentary savor. The romance of abundance was short lived and left a  path of devastation in its wake. In awakening to the gift of discomfort one is kept aroused in mystery and aching for fulfillment. In the chasm of challenge, and seeking, there emerges the appeal of yearning for understanding. It is in this struggle to manifest, that the mystery of abundance is the discovery of majesty that does not equate with seeking possessions, wealth and luxury.

Abundance and wealth are not synonymous. Wealth and the value associated with quantity is the least of the harvest and the treasury of abundance.Poverty does not describe being. With generous and wholesome desire, money and the exchange of goods,  services, benefits are fixtures of economic measure. Simple exquisite abundance is to discover awakened clarity of generous abundance.

In order to validate abundance it is opportune to validate loss. Without abandonment, emotional security is an abstract.  Without the experience of brokenness, emptiness, barrenness the idea of manifesting abundance is an aimless ploy of self flagellation.

The riches of abundant grace are the mistakes,  mishaps and missteps that come in the illusion of disgrace.

The principles of  abundant stewardship are :-  to be humble in adversity, to be kind without measure, to trust with infinite conviction and to persevere against all odds.  These are not testimonials of worldly endowments, it is the unquenchable, insatiable, amazingly radiant, grace of abundance.

For me, and perhaps the many, our struggle, strife, barriers and roadblocks are the strengths and victories we overcome to welcome our destiny,our Abundance.